Say What You Mean & Mean What You Say

Introduction to Communication Skills

LANGUAGE IS MORE THAN THE NOISE WE MAKE
Have you ever had a disagreement with someone over something they 'thought' you said? Have you ever had a disagreement with someone over something you 'thought' someone else said? Yes, it is a two-way street, and there are many reasons why conflict arises because of the way we use language. Miscommunication can lead to severe emotional damage and alienation. Just think for a moment how language has a part to play in incidents of self-harm, domestic violence, suicide and murder. The way we use words and language can do a lot of good, or it can do a lot of harm.

SPEECH, LISTENING AND BODY LANGUAGE
Accurate communication is a very complicated business, and it is hard work to do it well. This series breaks down communication into digestible pieces, and I hope my written words don't get in the way of communicating what I mean. We will look at the three 'banditos' (bad guys) of communication; speech, listening and body language. These so often rob a conversation of the good that might have resulted. Join another conversation, and you find the 'banditos' have had a change of character. Instead of robbing, they add to the happiness and closeness enjoyed by the participants. We will also discuss the 'Conversation Stoppers and Solution Blockers', explain the steps in resolving a conflict and tell you what is needed to show you are listening.

The Mangled Message

WILL WE EVER UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER?
Many couples have wondered if they would ever be able to get onto the same page. As mentioned before, we are all unique individuals with a multitude of variables when it comes to conversation. Consider some of the ways that could make it difficult for couples or others, to understand what the other is trying to say:

• Differences in the meanings placed on words and phrases.
• Differences in sentence usage and structure.
• Mishearing.
• Forgetting what the other person said.
• Thinking one thing and saying another.
• Using long, convoluted sentences.
• Being a 'motor mouth'. Rattling on and on, not giving the other person time to keep up mentally.
• Not listening to the other person.
• Predicting what the other person is going to say, the 'prophet' syndrome.
• Repeated interruptions.
• Guessing motives and intent.
• Concentrating more on what you are going to say rather than listening to the other person.
• Distractions.
• Short attention span.

FAULTLESS DECAY - FAULTY UNDERSTANDING
You will understand this expression as I walk you through a brief conversation:

• Step 1 - Pure Thought - Bill wants to tell Jenny about an incident that happened at work. In his head, he has the 'pure thought' about the incident, and this includes everything about the event, e.g. location, sounds, video, facial expressions, previous events, smells and emotions.
• Step 2 - In two sentences Bill summarises the incident for Jenny. He selects those aspects of the topic that he feels are necessary for Jenny to understand. Imagine how much information he leaves out. After all, Bill does not want to take up half the day talking about all the details. Even if he did try to give a complete picture, he still wouldn't be able to tell her everything. There would be decay from his 'Pure thought', there would be a breakdown from thought to speech. Here is the first possibility for misunderstanding.
• Step 3 - Jenny tries to listen, tries to hear what Bill is saying to her. What she thinks she hears may be influenced by; her physical hearing, her knowledge of Bill, his emotions, his work environment, her vocabulary and understanding of language, how well she listens, her judgement of his motives, what she thinks he is thinking and his body language. In summary, there are three areas where misunderstandings may occur, physical hearing, emotional hearing and body language. All can give a different message.
• Step 4 - She thinks about what she heard and formulates a reply, trying to summarise into a sentence or two everything relating to what Bill said and her interpretation of it. What she puts into words is not everything she has felt or thought.
• Step 5 - Bill now tries to listen and understand what Jenny is trying to say. Bill's physical and emotional hearing and her body language, will determine the message he receives. So it continues. It is no-one's fault just 'faultless decay'.

Sometimes it might seem to both of you that the other person is speaking a foreign language, backwards! But don't give up hope, there are ways to improve the situation. Before we can fix a problem, we need to know what the problem is. There can be many areas that contribute to confusion and alienation; not one of the least of these is 'deliberate decay', where someone deliberately manipulates the conversation to confuse the issue being discussed i.e.playing mind games.

IF THERE IS NOTHING WRONG DON'T FIX IT
You may be fortunate to live in a home, work in a school or business, or be involved in an organisation where there is accurate and consistent communication, where there are no misunderstandings. If this is the case, you have found heaven on earth. You don't need to fix it! But from my experience, there is room for improvement in all areas where there is human interaction, and that means wherever you work, play or sleep. Regular 'difficult' communication can be incredibly frustrating and stressful and can lead to mental health problems. The fabric of society is torn most grievously when mangled messages frequently occur with couples or family members. If we make an effort to improve, this is one area where we can make the world a better place for ourselves and others.

By
Richard Warden