Your Tone of Voice and Attitude Can Say More Than Your Words

The Tongue Can Be a Power For Good or Evil When Training Children

Again, I emphasize the point that the following are my opinions only. Even though I base my conclusions on my observations, research and practice, they may be 'flavoured' by my worldview, culture and belief systems. As with all my discussions, I try to base the information I present on logic, reason, and doability. What everyone sees as 'best practice' will have the colour of their personal biases. Read the points below as considerations, not absolutes.

FOR GOOD OR ILL
Most times parents and teachers use their voice and body language in productive ways, but there are occasions when what they say and do are counter-productive. Helpful ways to communicate are happy, bright, cheerful, friendly, welcoming and caring while unhelpful ways are bossy, irritable, blaming, short-tempered, whining, pleading, angry and threatening. The underlying aims of good communication focus on developing the child's positive character traits.

CHARACTER TRAITS
Day to day conversations with children, mainly when correcting, are opportunities for parents to help them in forming positive character traits, e.g., respect, obedience, responsibility, resourcefulness, attention to detail, neatness, memory, reliability, self-control, delay gratification, kindness, and self-sacrifice. Remember, the better the character, the better the behaviour.

FORMING HABITS
The tools in your toolbox are for forming good habits. When a child develops a habit, it is not so much of a burden for them; the action tends to come naturally. Habits take time to form. The more consistent the parent, the less time it takes.

CONSIDERATIONS - VOICE & BODY LANGUAGE

The points below are meant to add more tools to the reader's toolbox. The list is not perfect, nor exhaustive:

MIXED MESSAGES
There is a need to ensure the messages sent are unambiguous; don't send mixed messages! Make sure the messages given verbally and by body language are saying the same thing.

MIRRORING
We generally mirror the emotion, inflexions and body language of the person with whom we communicate. If we get cranky the child tends to get cranky too, but they might not be game to show it. Try to model respectful communication with all family members.

APPRECIATE A CHILD'S LIMITATIONS
Take into account the child's attention span, i.e., their ability to focus. Ensure the language is age appropriate, considering their language skills. When training a very young child use single words consistently, i.e. ‘No’ or ‘Good,’ together with appropriate body language.

LAUGHING
Be careful how, when and at what you laugh. Parents and teachers can inadvertently: reinforce unwanted behaviour, confuse the child, encourage pride and showing off, or humiliate them. 'Laughing with' is different to 'laughing at.'

SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS
When giving a child instructions make only one request until they are old enough to remember two or three at a time. Especially with young children, don't overload them with language, use short, simple sentences; as few as possible. They often forget your first sentence while they try to understand the second.

TALKING IN FRONT OF A CHILD
Talking to other adults in front of a child is fraught with danger; talking about their excellent points can encourage pride, talking about bad points can humiliate them. If anything, say things like, "Roger is growing up. He is learning to make better choices.", "Bronwyn has learned to tie her shoelaces, and now she is working on making her bed."

TONE OF VOICE
Most times use a matter-of-fact or neutral tone of voice in training children, don't be irritable, domineering or bossy. Show joy when they make good choices or make progress in a skill, show disappointment when they disobey or make poor decisions. Be very earnest when the topic is most important, i.e., topics dealing with safety or essential character traits.

BE PREDICTABLE
Make your body language and ways of speaking predictable. A child will feel more secure when they can read your emotions from your words, intonation, and body language.

EAR-BASHING CHILDREN
When correcting a child, it is not advisable to go on and on about it; they will feel ear-bashed. Use short sentences, particularly with your young children, void giving your children information overload. Once a child can tell you their error; there is no need to repeat it.

ELIMINATE ARGUMENTS
All discussions should be unemotional and respectful. Avoid arguments at all cost. Many children are very skilled at changing the focus of the debate from themselves to their parents, or to other topics. Some children are talented at getting 'under your skin'; getting you angry or annoyed; ‘pushing your buttons.’ Don't allow complaining, have a complaining child repeat their statement in a calm, unemotional way.

When correcting behaviour, establish the general rule that the parent speaks to the child about the situation. Next, the parent allows the child to respond respectfully. The parent should ask the child if there is anything else the parent needs to know. Then the parent gives their final judgment. At this point many children react negatively, trying to change the parent’s mind. Terminate the discussion right there. Once the parent makes their decision, they shouldn’t change their mind unless additional, valid information becomes available from other sources. The parent should not encourage an argumentative spirit. Make a rule that if the child has something more to add they can request another opportunity to speak, but their comment must be short, on the topic, calm and respectful.

"THREE STRIKES AND YOU'RE OUT!"
Some parents use this approach to good effect.

• Strike One. The parent asks the child to do something in a pleasant voice.
• Strike Two. The second strike occurs when the child does not cooperate. At 'strike two' the parent uses a concerned voice. The parent makes sure the child heard the instruction by asking them to repeat the direction. If the child cannot, the parent tells the child again and reminds them it is 'strike two.' 
• Strike Three. The third strike occurs when there continues to be a negative reaction. At 'strike three' the parent uses a very disappointed voice. The parent follows up with an appropriate consequence.

ACTIVE LISTENING
Active listening is one of the most critical aspects of communication, and most people don't use it. It is the topic of a future article in the Communication Skills article series. Active listening involves the hearer putting their views aside for the present and practising the following:

• Attending: Hearing well what the person is saying.
• Paraphrasing emotions: The hearer paraphrases (puts it in other words) what they heard about the speaker's feelings.
• Validation: Informing the speaker their emotional response is okay or understandable.
• Empathy: Showing the speaker that their view of things is understood and appreciated.

QUESTIONS,  DIRECTIONS, COMMANDS, AND REQUESTS
Parents and teachers need to be careful about the use of these forms of communication when managing behaviour.

• Questions: Only use a question like, "Carol, do you want help mummy to wash up?" when you are willing for a child to answer in the negative. Children will mostly say, "No."
• Directions: Use a direction when you are not giving a child the option, e.g., "John, please don't kick your soccer ball in the house."
• Commands: Generally, use a command when there is some urgency about a situation or if a child has not obeyed a direction, e.g., "Julie, stop pulling out the cat's whiskers! Now!
• Requests: Requests are similar to directions but are 'softer', e.g., "Jenny, would you please help George tidy the yard."

Using various tones of voice, backed up with body language, communicates to the child the multiple levels of 'threat' or 'risk,' i.e., proximity to receiving a negative consequence.

CRITICAL POINT
Once the parent or the teacher has given a direction, command or request, they must consistently follow them up to ensure the instruction has been carried out. Bending the rules by asking more than twice, not following up at all, or not giving a consequence for not obeying after a warning, will encourage a child to try and get away with not obeying straight away.

CODED MESSAGES
There are occasions when parents want to say something to a child then it is impossible or inappropriate to speak; the child might be too far away; the environment might be too noisy; the parent may want to keep the communication private, or it may not be appropriate to speak. It would be handy to have a list of agreed body language signs that use face or hands. Think up signs for the following:

• "Stop what you are doing immediately!"
• "I think you have had enough to eat."
• "Come to me, please."
• "You are in real strife now! Strike two!"
• "Just wait until you get home! Strike three."
• "I'm pleased with what you just did."
• "I'm pleased with your behaviour."
• "We are leaving in five minutes."
• "I love you."
• "Listen to what the speaker is saying."
• "I'm tired. I want to go home."
• "If this was the right place I would give you a big hug."

TALKING ABOUT EMOTIONS
There are healthy and unhealthy ways that parents talk to their children about their emotions.

If a child knows how their behaviour gets under the parent's skin, they are more likely to 'push the parent's buttons,' e.g., the parent might say to a child, "You make me very frustrated when you do that!". It is to parent's advantage to maintain a calm, unemotional attitude. However, when there is not a confrontation, a parent can discuss emotions generally with a child and help them to become emotionally aware and understand the body language which accompanies various feelings. In other words, parents should generally be positive about the good things children do but passive and unimpassioned about the negatives.

ROLE REVERSALS
Often a child will speak to the parent in a directive tone mirroring the way the parent sometimes speaks to them. Children need to learn that parents and children have different roles and responsibilities and will talk differently to one another. A child might attempt to exercise authority over a parent during a power struggle. The parent could say something like, "You are not the daddy! Please be respectful."

POSITIVE TOUCH
Regular, positive skin contact is vital for good parent-child relationships. It would be good to have ten times as much positive physical contact with the child as there are confrontations. Appropriate contact can include, strokes, kisses, pats, bumps, high-fives, hugs, lap-sitting, games of tag, wrestling, and holding hands. Sometimes, during, times or correction, a parent might place their hand on a child's shoulder or have them sit on their lap. At other times, a parent might put their hand on a child's shoulder and give it a squeeze of warning if the child's resistance is escalating.

REBELLIOUS BODY LANGUAGE
What do many children do when a teacher or parent has warned them about speaking disrespectfully to them? They use body language to continue to be rude or rebellious. They are not game to persist in talking defiantly, but they often get away using their body to get their message across. It is just as essential to correct inappropriate body language as it is offensive speech. Students use one or more of the following to challenge teacher's authority:

• Make an unpleasant face while staring at the teacher
• Shrugging their shoulders
• Turning their chin up
• Avoiding eye contact
• Facing away from the teacher
• Make grunting sounds to answer questions
• Refusing to answer questions
• Sighing
• Placing hands on hips
• Making rude gestures
• Looking at and fiddling with an object
• Smiling at friends
• Raising both arms sideways with hands up
• Throwing a tantrum
• Raising eyebrows

TEACH AND PRACTICE BODY LANGUAGE
Parents and teachers need to teach children what are acceptable and unacceptable ways of using their body to give messages.

ACCURATE AND HONEST
Use accuracy and honesty in following up instructions. Don't say anything you are not going to carry out. It is not wise to say things like, "If you don't clean your room up immediately, I'll throw out everything that is still on the floor."

BABY TALK
There is a time when 'baby talk' is inappropriate for older children. Some children, even those in their teens or older, continue to use speech that would be more appropriate for a child who is much younger.

TRAINING FOR DANGER
Children may face dangerous situations where it would be critical for them to respond immediately to an adult's instruction. Parents need to make a conscious effort to train their children in responding to urgent directions from an older person. Role-playing dangerous situations using appropriate volume and tone will help prepare children for the real thing.                

FACE-TO-FACE
If it is possible, face a child when you are communicating with them, and expect the same in return.

By
Richard Warden