Aimless Discipline is Like Building a House Without Plans

As In Business, So in Training Children, If You Fail to Plan, You Plan to Fail

Introduction to Child Training Toolbox

When your children leave home, or your students move on to the next class at school, what would you prefer you had helped your child to achieve, a good character or academic attainment? The ideal would be they accomplish both. Effective parenting, teaching and supervising aims at attaining optimal development in the intellectual, social, emotional, physical and spiritual dimensions of those for which we are held accountable. This site's goal is to do just that. This series of articles deals explicitly with the pros and cons of many of the interactional tools that are available to those who are committed, e.g. rewards, time-out, charts and smiley faces.

THIS TOPIC IS SO COMPLICATED AND CHALLENGING
This heading reminds me of the statement, 'Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.' Consider the following list and then tell me how anyone won't make mistakes in helping children and workers achieve these ideal goals. We can all vary in our:

• Mood swings throughout the day.
• Hangups in different areas  of our lives
• Personalities.
• Character traits.
• Expectations.
• Good and bad habits
• Responses to situations that challenge us.
• Preferences.
• List of needs
• Priorities.
• Social skills.
• Understandings and perceptions about the spiritual dimension.

As one of my sons, who was very challenging as a child, said to me when he had grown up, "Sometimes you punished my too much, but times you didn't punish me enough!" There are hundreds of variables that come into play when imperfect humans interact. What is the 'perfect' thing to do or say in any given circumstance? Who knows?

ATTITUDES TO TRAINING AND DISCIPLINE
Teachers and parents vary significantly in their knowledge and methodology when it comes to training and discipline. In fact, it can become a very emotive topic to discuss. I think many of us feel inadequate in this area, knowing at times, maybe a lot of times, that we could have done a better job. ALL OF US COULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB!

DO WE LEAN MATHEMATICS WITHOUT MAKING MISTAKES?
The answer to this question is no, and we wouldn't learn to walk unless we fell over. In fact, we only learn many things in life by making mistakes, and we will always make mistakes. When you get a bit uptight about blundering again, tell yourself you have just proved again that you are human. We should not tell ourselves we have goofed; we should instead tell ourselves we are still on a learning curve. We will always be on a learning curve! The problem is that some people don't learn from their mistakes. It is more likely that those who don't benefit from making errors are those who cannot admit to others that they have erred in the first place.

THINGS GOING TO PLAN
Because humanity is as it is, build into your plan a certain amount of flexibility to allow for occasional, unforeseen events. At home, in the classroom and the workplace, planning is essential. Frustrated goals are goals for which little, realistic planning occurred.

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOUR CHILD HAS ENOUGH SELF-ESTEEM?
You never can tell, neither can the child say, when they have enough self-esteem. Similarly, you don't know when a child is doing their best in any given activity, but in this case, the child might have some idea of how much effort they are putting into it. The relevant question to ask is, 'Do we put one hundred per cent of our energy into all that we do?

ARE WE A LIVING BREATHING EXAMPLE OF WHAT WE WANT OUR CHILDREN TO BE?
>Is it fair for us to impose one standard on our children and have another one for ourselves?  It is true that it is appropriate for adults to be able to do or say things that children aren't. Our goal is to be as near as possible the kind of person we want our children to be. They learn more in the social dimension by copying than by teaching, but we need to remember they mimic the undesirable as well as the good.

A BIT ABOUT EXPECTATIONS
Studies have shown that the level of our expectations of children influences the outcome, e.g. on a scale of one to ten, if we aim at an eight, students might achieve a six or seven, but if we seek for a six, they might reach only four of a five. We, as students, teachers and management, need t set the bar high, but not too high. Our expectations need to be clear and at least within reach of the student, if not a little above. If your expectations are too low, or non-existent, you are blocking the child from reaching their full potential, their achievements are unchallenged and stunted, and their self-worth diminishes

CHARACTER IS BORN OF ADVERSITY
Inevitably, trying to make life happy for the child all the time, avoiding confrontations and smoothing the way for them, character development is stunted. Children need to experience difficulties, trials and griefs. How else are they going to learn self-control, delayed gratification, resilience, patience and empathy? Give empathy to a child struggling with an issue by don't solve all their difficulties, try to discern if you can which obstacles are best for them to handle. You will need the wisdom of Solomon for that one! If a child is secure and feels loved, they are more likely to receive correction from the one that loves them; as the saying goes, 'Love will tolerate the strictest discipline.' This statement would not include aggressive, unjust, belittling and unkind forms of discipline. Related to this discussion is an old Chinese proverb, 'You teach what you allow.'

USING THE TOOLS WHILE IGNORING THE GROUND-RULES WILL BE COUNTERPRODUCTIVE
It doesn't matter what tools you use in training your children, if you ignore the ground-rules, to put it bluntly, you're going to make a mess of it. Listed below are a limited list of do's and don't's that all should consider when training anyone:

• Moderate your voice and emotions
• Be predictable they should know how you will respond
• Be in charge
• Don't argue with them
• Always have a plan and stick to it, especially for when things escalate
• Don't let feelings determine how you will react -  act from principle
• Consider the options before you act
• Work with your partner, if you have one, as a team, be on the same page
• You can disagree in front of them but do not let them hear you arguing
• Don't play favourites
• Be consistent, persistent and insistent
• Don't jump to conclusions or judge motives
• Be a good example of what you preach
• Delay discussing an altercation while anyone is still uptight
• Don't overload them with a barrage of talk, keep instructions short and straightforward
• Don't intimidate them with aggressiveness
• Never threaten what you will not carry out
• Always confront any form of rudeness, rebelliousness, stubbornness, aggressiveness
• Don't plead with them; it tells them you are not in charge
• Don't correct from selfish motives
• Both should expect times when self-denial and self-sacrifice are needed
• Don't make excuses for them; they need to take full responsibility for their actions.

'What Are We Building?' Even when we have the plans for a building, the methods and the do's and do not's are more important. You may notice that concepts embedded in the paragraphs, together with the content of the lists, describe somewhat idealistically, the skills and attitudes of the person most of us would want our children or workers to be.

The general attitude to live by might sound something like, "We are all in this together. Let us realise we all need to keep growing together. We need to support each other while pressing on to a more harmonious existence."

By
Richard Warden